just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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