Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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