I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
