I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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