yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
