Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i now understand why vodka
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
