i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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