dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
