On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
