My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
