Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
