I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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