Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
