I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
