I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize