my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
