I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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