thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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