you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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