apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize