he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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