Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
