I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
