his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
