youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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