Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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