mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
