And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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