this beer tastes like vomit already
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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