She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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