I met the friendliest cop last night
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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