He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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