there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
