yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
