Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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