seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
