i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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