His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
