i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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