how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
