I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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