sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
