I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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