I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
