God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
