I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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