My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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