You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
