dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Non-Jews are for practice
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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