she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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