Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Boobs speak an international language.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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