One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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