gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't turn off my feet"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
