i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
