I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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