He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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