new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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