She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
