if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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