You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
