It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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