That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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