I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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