But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
