I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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