If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
