hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
