Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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