Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
