everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So apparently I’m into choking now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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