alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize