I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
