wanna go halves on a baby?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
