this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
