it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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