My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
